


Krap Konfessions

by haruka



Category: Death Note, Rurouni Kenshin, X-Men, Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crack, Crossover, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-10
Updated: 2016-12-10
Packaged: 2018-09-07 13:47:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8803219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haruka/pseuds/haruka
Summary: Yuri Plisetsky in a kids' support group.
I promised my wife I'd write something today involving Yuri on Ice, which we both love, and slipped in some of our other favourite fandoms as well.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [rogueleopard](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rogueleopard/gifts).



Krap Konfessions (Yuri on Ice/Crossover)

By Haruka (haruka@ymail.com)

\--

"My name is Yuri Plisetsky and my parents are crazy."

"Hi Yuri!" came the chorus of greetings to be expected at any meeting of Kids of Crazy Parents, fondly known as KRAP among its members. We had just finished hearing about how Kurt and Rogue of the X-Men had to deal with having a double-agent, shapeshifting murderess and a berserk manimal who loved to fight as their parents. They have nothing on me.

"Yeah, first of all, while my name is Plisetsky, theirs isn't, because I was recently adopted. Just as well, because we're all in figure skating and I don’t want to be judged by my parents' success. Or their weirdness."

"I've seen your parents on tv; they don't seem so strange," remarked Kamatari, while his brother Soujirou nodded sagely. Their parents were long-lived super samurai who'd probably killed like, a thousand people in their day. Plus one was practically a tree and the other acted too nice to be trusted. What the hell did "Oro?" mean, anyway?

I sneered at them. "Yeah, maybe they don't look like it on the surface like all of yours do, but they're crazier than any of them." I took a deep breath. "First of all, my dad has this thing about walking around naked. Even outside to get the mail. All the neighbours have seen him, and he just waves to them. It's embarrassing."

"Em-bare-ASSing," smirked Mello, and his brother Near shook his head like the joke hurt physically. Their mother was a mass murderer on a global scale and their father was the famous detective that had been trying to bring him to justice, then fell in love with him. Oh yeah, and he doesn't even have a name, just a letter, and he only eats candy. The mother has a potato chip obsession. They both like handcuffs. Weirdoes.

"My mother thinks he's a pork cutlet bowl that seduces men," I continued. Jeez, it was hard to even think about this stuff, let alone say it out loud.

"A who that does what now?" Pietro repeated in rapid-fire speech. His father was the Master of Magnetism who hated regular humans and put his own daughter, Wanda, in an insane asylum, even though there was nothing wrong with her. Who knows who their mother was; they sure don't.

"He even skates a whole routine around it," I confessed with an internal groan. "And it wins."

"That's all right, Yuri, keep going," urged our counsellor. I wondered briefly what his background story with his crazy parents was. Did he even have any, or was he just a shrink who got a kick out of our sob stories? Someday I'd demand he tell us, but right now I was on a roll.

"My dad has this big poodle. He loves him more than he loves my mom and me together. I think he sleeps between my parents."

There were several assurances that it couldn't be true, but I was pretty sure I knew better.

"Dad also has a terrible memory. I wish I could say it was a convenient memory that he faked, but no, it's really that bad. I never believe a promise he makes because half the time he'll forget he ever made it."

"You can never believe promises from adults, anyway," Wanda muttered bitterly.

I kept going – I wasn't done yet. "Mom's a great skater, but he psyches himself out all the time. It's aggravating, especially when he starts doing it while he's already on the ice. Just SKATE, damn it!"

Nods of agreement. It wasn't like any of US ever got inside our own heads and did damage. 'Course not.

"Both my parents have this really annoying thing they do where if I'm yelling at them, they'll stand there SMILING! How nuts is that?! Doesn't matter if they're together or it's just one or the other alone! Who DOES that?!"

"Definitely not my parents," Kurt remarked. "I think they only smile when they're ready to fight."

"Oh, get this one!" I exclaimed, remembering. "My mom went crazy at a skating event once and just starting HUGGING everybody! It wasn't because he was happy, either; he was bugged because my dad wasn't there. So he flipped out and began chasing all the other competitors and guests around for hugs including me!" I scowled. "We weren't exactly friendly at the time, so it freaked me out."

"Was that hug what brought you together as a family?" Near asked curiously.

I made a face. "No way! That's a whole other story and I'm not getting into it here."

"Well, we thank you for sharing, Yuri," the counsellor said. "Who wants to go next --?"

"Hey!" I snapped, jumping up. "Who said I was finished?! I haven't told you the worst part yet!"

"By all means, continue," he said, taken aback. I didn't care if I'd startled him or offended him. That was nothing compared to what was coming next. I dropped back down into my chair and blew out a puff of air in frustration.

"My mother … he doesn't do alcohol well."

I felt more than saw the others exchanging worried looks. "He's an alcoholic?" Pietro asked.

"I wish it were that easy," I said, putting a hand over my face. "He was at a banquet and got shit-faced drunk and then –" I couldn't say it. I just couldn't.

"You can tell us, Yuri, we're all friends here," our counsellor's voice was gentle. I wanted to yell that no, we weren't, but somehow it didn't matter. I needed to get it out.

"He pole-danced with a pervert who was half-naked and made a spectacle of himself!" I cried. "And I've got pictures to prove it!"

That was clearly the wrong thing to say because everyone then HAD to see the pictures. I pulled them up on my phone and shared my shame with the group.

"Wow," was pretty much all they could say. Seriously, what else WAS there to say? Mom and his dancing partner, Chris, were way too good at what they did.

"How did your dad feel about this?" Rogue asked.

My head hung as I held out the phone with another picture – my dad and mom at the same banquet, dancing the Paso Doble, or at least a weird offshoot of it.

"There are others, you can just scroll through them." I sighed, my humiliation complete.

Or so I thought.

"Hey, isn't this you and your mom dancing?" Wanda asked as the bunch of them peered at my phone. I leapt over and grabbed it quickly.

"I got dragged into a dance-off, that's all!" I growled. "At least I wasn't drunk!"

No one said that alcohol would have been a convenient excuse for my participation in the whole stupid competition, but even I was thinking it, because as it was, I had none.

"I think it's safe to say that you've cornered the market on crazy parents," Mello stated, handing me back my phone. "So why did you let them adopt you?"

My phone buzzed and I saw that a new picture had been posted on my dad's Pinterest account. It showed he and my mom with our dog Makkachin in the middle, and they had dressed him in one of my cat ear headbands and my favourite tiger-striped sweater. The caption said, 'Family portrait with Yuriochin!' I'm pretty sure my expression went flat then.

"Sometimes I wonder," I replied dryly. I paused, flipping past a couple of other pictures and stopping at one in particular. Both my dad Viktor and mom Yuuri had their arms around me, beaming, even though I was scowling and generally looked like Kid Crankypants. I showed it to the others.

"Because even though they drive me batshit insane, I need these two dorks who keep caring no matter what."

Funny how I'd said it to a bunch of strangers, but never would to either of them. Just as well – hearing that would probably result in some other embarrassing situation involving the three of us that our skating peers would post. 

Or that I would.

\--

(2016)

No characters here are mine.


End file.
